Just as I am, without one plea, but that thy blood was shed for me…

“Jesus didn’t say, ‘Come as you are,’ Jesus has standards.”

I’m about to explode.

I shuddered as I heard that phrase escape the lips of one of the “Turlington Preachers” today. I was leaving a geography review session a little early, and happed to overhear that comment while on my way to work.

It felt like a daggar in my heart, and I only regret that I could not think of the words to say until after I had passed.

Why? Why can I never think of the right words until they are too late?

“You’re wrong!!” I’d shout at him… Jesus does say “Come as you are!”

The only standard that God has for salvation is the blood of His Son, Jesus Christ. That is all that is asked of us, is to have acknowledged that we cannot save oursleves, and that Christ is the only hope for salvation.

That’s it.

Plain and simple.

Jesus says “Come unto me all ye who are weary and heavy laiden, and I will give you rest.”

If Jesus had other standards, we would be hopeless.

Morality is not what saves.

Morality is something that we practice to show our greatfulness to God… It is something we do because we want to please Him, and bring Him the honor and glory due His name, and not ours.

If morality was the answer… If there were other standards to be met, I can assure you that I know of no one who’d be deserving of heaven–and I could atest that there would be no hope for me. I am hopelessly flawed.

The only thing that can redeem me is Christ’s love.

That’s why God is called “merciful,” and why salvation is a gift of “grace.” BECAUSE WE HAVE DONE NOTHING TO DESERVE IT!!!!!

We cannot save oursleves by being morally upright.

And are people forgetting who Jesus spent his time with?!!?

The tax collectors, the whores, the sick and crippled!!!!

Do you think that their morality saved them?!?!

NO!!!

So what is this whole “Jesus has standards” thing anyway?

It’s a lousy front for hypocrites, that what it is.

How can you acknowledge your own need for salvation if you can recognize your own NEED; if you can’t recognize that you have no hope of saving yourself because you can’t be perfect?!

God has no standard, save Jesus Christ.

Yes, God abhors sin, and delights in morality, but he will not turn away even the most broken of people.

Just As I Am

Just as I am, without one plea,
but that thy blood was shed for me,
and that thou bidst me come to thee,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come. 

Just as I am, and waiting not
to rid my soul of one dark blot,
to thee whose blood can cleanse each spot,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come. 

Just as I am, though tossed about
with many a conflict, many a doubt,
fightings and fears within, without,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come. 

Just as I am, poor, wretched, blind;
sight, riches, healing of the mind,
yea, all I need in thee to find,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come. 

Just as I am, thou wilt receive,
wilt welcome, pardon, cleanse, relieve;
because thy promise I believe,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come. 

Just as I am, thy love unknown
hath broken every barrier down;
now, to be thine, yea thine alone,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.

Romans 2:1-4

“You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgement on someone else, for at whatever point you judge the other, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgement do the same things. Now we who know that God’s judgement against those who do such things is based on truth. So when you, a mere man, pass judgement on them and yet do the same things, do you think that you will escape God’s judgement? Or do you show contempt for the riches of his kindness, tolerance and patience, not realizing that God’s kindness leads you towards repentance?”

I do not doubt in the sincerity of some of the Turlington Preachers. I’m sure they are very passionate about telling people about how they must repent or suffer the consequences. I do, however, doubt in many of their methods. The way they communicate is not reflexive of a loving and relational God.

There is absolutely nothing that I could do to earn my salvation. And, even though I know that grace has saved me, and that I belong to Christ, it does not mean that following him, and living a righteous life will come naturally.

No one said that being a Christian is easy.

No one said that you will not struggle with sin constantly if you’ve repented…

I would love for nothing more than to never sin again, and live a perfectly righteous life so that I might please my Lord, but I know that I will constantly stumble, that I will doubt Him daily, and that I am a shameful excuse of a human being at times…

But Christ knows that too. And He loves me anyways, and He’s offered me a GIFT.

A perfect, merciful gift.

And I will never deserve it.

And I will never be able to repay Him.

It’s nice to know that I don’t have to…

i didn’t think i’d want to write but…

So today’s been one of those “blah” sort of days. Nothing too exciting, nothing too dull. Just somewhere in between.

I just got off of work about a half hour ago. Everything is starting to blurr together to mush now.

The Reitz seemed like a good choice for a cup of coffee, and because for some reason I didn’t feel like walking back to my dorm. I saw Mallory here just a little bit ago.

I ran into a bunch of people today-first Chase at the Hub, followed by Kelli and Anna. Later I saw Pierre and Ben in Wiemer while I was at work. Tonight I’m meeting up with the girls of “J4″ as we liked to call our summer dorm. Ashley, Tana, Mallory, Heather, Lauren and I are going to dinner tonight to catch up, and then I’ll head over to an FCA bible study with Mal.

Ooo–news worth mentioning, I guess: I signed a lease today for next year. I’ll be staying at an old sorority house that was converted into a dorm-style apartment. It’s nice, I’m paying under $400 a month, and it’s really close to school and the apartment complexes that many of my friends will be living at next year. Downside is I had to write a check for the downpayment, so once again I’m broke. But heh, living from paycheck to paycheck isn’t completely awful.

I like smiling at people as they walk by. It’s my way of greeting, and if they smile/acknowledge me, I’ll follow up with a hello. I was thinking of that because today I got a very nice smile/nod from someone. Things like that make to world a better place, I do believe.

There’s a group of people studying here. I currently lack the motivation to open up a textbook and read. I have a test on Thursday in my geography class, but we don’t have a textbook there, so I’m relying solely on my notes. I hope they’re good enough.

I’ve got “Let Your Love Be Strong” by Switchfoot stuck in my head. Not that that’s a bad thing–except when you’re dying to sing along and you can’t because you’re in public, others are trying to concentrate on stuff, and that would make the whole dynamic in the student union change in an instant. I don’t think I want anyone in here staring at me right now.

I’m dying to learn guitar. I’m dying to learn in general. And not necessarily learn in class learn. I mean that I’m dying to discover more… More about God, more about myself, more about other people, about history, about stuff that interests me, or maybe even about stuff that I don’t find particularly interesting.

I want to be …I forgot what I was going to say here. Honestly. I just saw my friend Geoffry from back home. He’s my best friend Kristen’s older brother. In middle school, every time Kristen and I would hang out at her house, he’d pester her about being a veggitarian. Haha

But anyways… I guess I was going to say something along the lines of “I want to learn everything I can…

Once again, I’ve found myself writing ineloquent, fragmented thoughts instead of the “great American Novel,” whatever that means. (I mean, why does the saying go “the great American novel”? Why can’t it just be “the great/greatest novel”?)

I think I’d really enjoy being a writer. I’d be paid to sit in coffee shops and outside in the sunshine on a beautiful grassy hill and type away at my keyboard or scribble in a journal or perhaps even on little scraps of paper or on the backs of gum wrappers or napkins.

Yeah.

I like that idea.

Too bad I want to be a teacher.

Not really, bad, though-I’m going to love being a teacher. And so I think writing will become one of my hobbies, along with football, travel, and spending time with people. Let’s not forget music. It’d be a dream fulfilled if I could tour with a band, or have my own band for that matter. Though I highly doubt that that would ever happen.

Right now this post is lacking a lot of depth. Sigh. Not quite what I was hoping for. Especially since I’m going for writing that great novel. I like plot twists, detail, suspense, intrigue, thought-provoking philosophical questions.

“Who would really win in a fight- a toaster or a blender?”

Seriously…

Now I’m just amusing myself.

I haven’t seen my roomate in over 48 hours. It’s weird. We’ve both been gone over this busy weekend. And now I’m not sure if I want to stay and hang out at the student union until dinner at 7, and then leave straight for bible study, or go back home first… I think I’ll stay. It’s pretty cold outside. And I’m pretty comfortable here.

I realized I still have my bible in my backpack, so I think I’m going to do some reading, and perhaps try my hand at writing another poem… I haven’t in a while, and I really enjoy it.

But, before I go, I just want to leave you all with this thought about the english language. It’s something that really confuses me, and that makes absolutely no sense at all…

If the rule goes “I before E except after C,” then why is weird spelled “weird” instead of “wierd”?

It really throws me off…

Breakfast at Noon…or 1pm

This morning was wonderful.

Last night, after homeless council (feeding the homeless) and an FCA bonfire and watching the movie “End of the Spear,” some of the FCA “Freshmen” group decided to meet up the next morning for breakfast. Lauren called me this morning (actually it was more like 11:30ish) and we picked up Katie and went to Publix to grab some groceries. I was pleasantly surprized to find that it was a glorious 70-ish temperature, despite last night’s freeze warning. We bought a bunch of breakfast groceries, and headed over to Sauce, Christen and Stephanie’s appartment to cook. It was glorious. We cooked so much food, and a bunch of friends showed up. Alex and Katie made waffles, Amanda baked muffins, Sauce was everywhere… Christen and I made eggs… and there was a lot more. By the time we were done cooking though it was after 1pm, so it was more like lunch. A bunch of us piled into the kitchen and we hung out for a while, ate, watched some of the X-games.

After I got back to my dorm, I called Delane and stopped in to see her, since I hadn’t all week long! We just visited for a while, and I think we’re going to meet up again later tonight and catch a movie with some friends.

I had a blast last night at homeless council too. After serving dinner, I got a chance to talk to this guy Darrell with some other FCA friends. He was hillarious. He was a contractor from the keys, and got stranded in Gainesville after a constuction job. He’d been living at a local hotel while he tries to get back home. He has a girlfriend in SC, and a son at the Air Force Academy. Darrell was a Vietnam Vet, and so his college career at Michigan was interupted because of the war. It was really cool to just talk to him, and get to know him better.

I talked to some other people there too. It really helps me put my life in perspective. I have so much to be thanksful for. It amazes me too, that people that society might deem “less fortunate” than me, (many of them) have such a joy about them, and a sort of take-one-day-at-a-time I’m thankful for what God’s given me view of life.

I’m such a selfish human being.

Sometimes I think we loose perspective that people who, granted, may be less fortunate than ourselves are still people. We fear how we should interact with them less we seem snobby, afraid, ungreatful human beings. We want to be careful not to offend, and so we guard oursleves, and we end up missing out on a beautiful chance at friendship with some beautiful human beings.

Thank you, Darrell, for reminding me.

I’m so glad it’s the weekend. My stressful week of running between work and classes has past. Next week promises a lighter work schedule at least, and I’m looking forward to FCA and RUF and a bunch of other things!

I managed to find my Gator 1 ID card. Thank you Lord! That means I won’t have to spend $15 to replace it. I’m looking at living situations for next year, and hopefully everything will fall into place!!! Delane will hear back from her sorority by next week or so as to if she made it into the house or not.

I have a “to-do” list for this upcoming week, but right now it’s a Saturday, and I DO NOT want to spend the whol evening thinking about it, so I won’t.

I’m going to listen to some of my music, sing along, since I won’t be disturbing anyone at the moment, and perhaps even dance. Who knows.

Sigh.

A little while ago there had been a knock at my door. One of the girls on my floor just turned 19 as well, and a couple of her friends had bought her an ice cream cake, but the remainder of it wouldn’t fit in her fridge, so they decided to offer it to the rest of the girls on our floor. I’d never even met them before.

The generosity of the human spirit sometimes surprizes me. I wish we could all live in a way that reflected a Christ-centered life. Even non-believers or members of other religions will not argue that Jesus was a wonderful humanitarian, and championed great practices that everyone should follow. There are biblical themes that should be universal-love your neighbor, treat others the way you want to be treated, etc.

I got into a discussion with my “Teaching Diverse Populations” professor after class. I really enjoy being in that class. There’s a lot of discussion, and numerous times that either our professor or another student will pose a question that centers around beliefs, in particular Christian beliefs.

I told my professor that I did enjoy his class, that I didn’t equate “faith” with a “lack of intellectualism” and that I like a challenge. After all, what are your beliefs if they are not challenged? What kind of faith are you demonstrating if you remove every fear, every doubt?

Saying that I am a Christian does not remove me from questioning my own beliefs. I think many times it makes them stronger.

Donald Miller has an amazing quote (I think I’ve posted it before) about how at the end of the day, as he’s lying in bed, he knows that the chances of his theology being exactly right are a million to one.

I like that. I hate how there are splits even amongst Christians even because of denominations. The single most important belief that I hold is that Jesus Christ is Lord, and that He is my only hope for salvation.

I do view many other ideas surrounding my faith as very important, but if Jesus is not the center of my life, than my life is meaningless. I hate all of the squabbles about “being in the world” or “not being in the world.” Politics have overrun Christianity as well. It’s been broken down into a match between conservative and liberal. I hate subscribing to anything in particular without someone forming some preconcieved notions about me.

I told my professor that diversity cannot be achieved unless man can respect his fellow man. And what I really mean by respect is LOVE. We can agree to disagree.

I know that I can’t make someone believe what I believe by shouting it at them like the Turlington preachers, who hold their signs condeming just about everyone to hell.

There’s a reason we have the saying “ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS.”

Now, this does not mean that I will be kept silent about what I believe either.

I cannot “save” someone simply by telling them something. It is nothing I do, but rather what Christ does.

I’m just an instrument in his tool box.

I sincerly believe that love is the best way to communicate to people. Jesus is RELATIONAL.

My professor also said something along the lines of ‘people who aren’t willing to learn/discuss things are really just wanting to not grow up, and they fear it–they fear growing up.’

My professor made some valid points, and the conversation went on for quite a while longer. I think I shall enjoy hearing all of the different perspectives. I want to learn more. I want to learn more about what I believe, because I know that I do not know all of the answers, and I can except the fact that I won’t really ever know them all–I won’t fully understand creation, or why good people suffer… But I do know that God loves me, and that His love is unfailing.

The point of “If God wants everyone to belive, then why doesn’t He just show up” also surfaced in discussion. I think that whole concept would sort of take away all of our freedom to choose. Free will.

In class, we discussed fundamentalism, and why religion seems to be growing, even in an “age of science.” I’d heard before (perhaps it was from another Donald Miller book) that people really want structure. We hate the “gray areas” so to speak–we want a defined path to follow that tells us exactly what to do and what not to do. Because we hate not knowing the answers. We fear the uncertain, we don’t fully like the responsibility that our free will entails.

I belive that there’s a lot to science that holds truth. I also believe that there is ABSOLUTE TRUTH.

There are so many other “What ifs” and “whys” and questions surrounding faith…surrounding a lot of things. If I could know all of the answers, I don’t think I’d honestly want to. There’d be no such thing as growth.

I know that there is so much that I have left to learn… About the world, about love, about God. I don’t ever want to stop learning…

So, if at the end of reading this, I could tell you something, it would be this:

Diversity, I think, is a beautiful thing. I enjoy learning about things that are foreign to me. I also know that there is a lot of conflict in the world. There are a lot of questions surrounding faith, surrounding the hows and whys and whens and whats of this world. We don’t know everything, I don’t know hardly anything, except this: Jesus loves me…He loves you.

I’d be saddened for anyone to form preconcieved notions about myself, or anyone else for that matter.

I truly belive that if people were living their lives for other people, and not themselves–if everyone were living that way, diversity would not be a problem, and I would not be taking a class on it.

(Think about that too–living for other people. I’d really like to get better at it. If everyone really started living like that, I wouldn’t ever have to worry about anything else ever again.)

Sorry, that was long-winded and a bunch of scattered thoughts that had been running through my mind. I just feel that it’s better to get them out than keeping them inside.

Math

I’m pretty sure I’m in the easiest math class ever invented.

I’m here right now. In our “discussion” class. I learned all of this stuff senior year, so I think so long as I read the book, I should do fine in the class without having to stress myself out too much.

This week has been crazy. Training all of the volunteers has worn me out, and I’ve been running from class to work to class to work again. I’ve started spending more time out-of-doors though, which has provided me with ample opportunity to bump into friends between classes.

I met my friend Wil the other day for ice cream. He just got his wisdom teeth removed, and so we hung out for a little while, and talked about how we came to faith in Christ, school and a bunch of other stuff.

Tuesday night at FCA music practice, Gary had asked me to give the call to worship–usually a short introduction/bible verse before we sing–since I knew the history behind the song “O Love That Will Not Let Me Go.” We sang thatt song often back home at St. Paul’s, and I’d heard the amazing story behind George Matherson’s writing.

(He wrote it the night of his sister’s wedding, which was a hard time for him, because she had become his “eyes” for his ministry as a pastor, since he had gone blind at the age of 18. He had also been abandoned by his fiance as a result of that. That evening represented a shift in his life yet again, and even amidst his struggles, Matherson was optimistic.)

I quoted a verse from scripture that I’d been thinking of a lot lately–Psalm 13.

I love the Psalms simply because they are such beautiful poetry, and the imagery, emotion and even just the way David wrote them amazes me.

I like to identify with them because of my own love for writing poetry; I feel in a sense connected with what David wrote, as opposed to perhaps reading (and I’ll give the frequently used “hard to understand book of the bible”) Leviticus, with all it’s names and family trees and such.

In talking with Wil, he encouraged me to not think too hard about what I would say, and instead let it come from my heart, which I did. I must admit, at first I was quite nervous getting up in front of all those people at FCA. A few friends offered me encouraging words after the meeting, so I hope that what I had to say made some sort of difference.

I really wish that I could spend the rest of my life just getting to know people, and trying to live my life in a way that would convey God’s love to them. That is what I know I need so often, and what I get out of fellowship with others. I think the world would be a better place if we all just lived in community, and stopped doing things for material gain and instead worked together to sustain themselves, and simply lived to spead joy to other’s lives.

Ha. I sound like some sort of Thomas Moore-utopian idealist. Like that would ever really happen in widerspread amounts.

Still, it wouldn’t hurt to try.

I need to get on some of my class reading, but I also want to pick up on some more reading for my own enjoyment. The suggestion of “A New Kind of Christian” has come up multiple times and I’ve found that UF has it on e-book online, so I think I’ll get on that.

I think I’ve found the simplified version of our current math lesson. This will prove very helpful during this afternoon’s quiz. I’m supposed to go back into work today, and then I really want to make those brownies for Arlene… I haven’t found too much time on my hands for that.

I finally did a load of laundry yesterday before FCA. At least I have a couple pair of clean jeans, which is wonderful considering that there’s been a massive cold front in the area, and I’ve been freezing every time I walk outside. I didn’t think that I would ever say this, but I’m ready for warm weather.

February is looking to be a packed month. What with the superbowl on the 4th, the RUF retreat the follwing weekend, Cynthia’s wedding on the 17th, FCA Weekend of Champions (hoping to go as a counselor) the next… This semester is going to go faster than I expected.

I played wallyball last night. It was a lot of fun, but it took me forever to warm up. By our last game I was finally getting a little better. Haha.

I’m going to homeless counsel to serve dinner on Friday, and hopefully go to swing dancing afterwards with some friends.

I talked to my sister the other night. I’m working on mending strained relationships. Big area that I need to focus on.

1 minute and countinguntil I have to be in at work.

Got out of math, walked around, bumped into Matt Seitz and Sean Hill, tried sitting in the sun and typing…couldn’t see the screen. Currently sitting in the atrium at Wiemer, going into work.

Looooonnnngggg day.

I want some more human interaction.

RUF bible study tonight. Maybe CRU with Delane…haven’t seen her all week.

Sigh.

killing time

i’m killing time before I have to be in at work in half and hour.

I managed to sleep through my math lecture again today, but i’m keeping on course with my work…so i just need to make sure that my grade won’t slip or anything.

<>It’s freezing cold outside, and I didn’t check the weather this morning before running into work at 9:30am.  So, I ran out in a cute little sun dress that Delane got me, but i probably look like an idiot because everyone else is wearing jeans.  Oh, well.

Honestly, I’d rather be spending this time in conversation with someone.  An actual human being–get to know a friend better, or perhaps even a stranger.  But I see no one.  I’m sitting in the Reitz Union with a cup of coffee in my hands.  Enjoying the conversation and antics of those around me.

I’m content to just sit and watch people, but I enjoy being proactive.  That’s why I decided to spend as little time cooped up in doors as possible.

Between work and class earlier I stopped in at the HUB and grabbed some OJ and a bagel, and bumped into a friend, and then another friend as I was on my way to work.  I really love bumping into people.

I am on the endge of my seat practically in anticipation for tonight.  I’m going to FCA music practice.  I went last week…  Gary had said I could come because I had expressed an interest in just getting back into a “worship/music practice setting.”  (Sort of longing to still be able to lead worship at home, and be somewhere that I can actually sing at the top of my lungs without really disturbing anyone unless my voice decides to crack.)

A few friends from FCA had asked why I hadn’t actually really sung with them.  Honestly, it’s because I feel I lack any amount of talent when it comes to singing.  I’ve never had music lessons, and sure I’ve had people tell me that I sound nice, but I’ve this lack of confidence in my own miniscule abilities.  I just enjoy it, find it relaxing and energizing…

I’m hoping that maybe just by going to practices and singing with everyone (as well as surrounding myself with many talented musical people) that I can perhaps become a bit better, and learn more about singing myself.

I can’t remember the last time I was so antsy.  I can’t wait for tonight.  And at the same time I really don’t want to sound awful.

Anyways…

Today is my roomate’s birthday.

Within the past few weeks I feel that I’ve gotten closer to her.  I’m really blessed to have such an agreeable roomate.  We get along great, and she’s really respectful of me.  :)  We even watch the show “Supernatural” together…  (I mostly have my eyes hidden behind a pillow while she laughs at me…)   I’m hoping to get a chance to make her brownies for her birthday!

Last night we had quite the adventure…

I was sitting at my computer, and she at hers, when I heard her let out a scream.  She jumped out of her desk and declared that our room had been invaded by a lizard.

It turned out to be a Gecko, but still….creepy.  I have a low tolerance/poor relationship with non-human crawly-things.  Ugh.

She started clearing out from under her bed to see where it had disappeared to, and I tried to help her from my perch on top of my own desk.  Haha.

We manuvered from chair to chair…  By now I had gotten out my broom, and she had grabbed a bucket.  The stinker had wedged himself in a far corner of our room, and we could not reach him.  I tried scaring him out with the broom, as I was now standing on top of my dresser, but he started running and shimmied up our air/heater vent behind our beds.

Dangit.

We tried using a flashlight to find his whereabouts, and then tried to scare him out by spraying Lysol in the crevaces, but to no avail.  Our room was starting to smell strongly, and I’m sure our dorm neighbors did not appreciate the screams coming from our room, though no one came to our aid.  If they had, they were guaranteed to see quite a sight–me on top of the dresser with a broom, my roomate crouched behind her little fridge with a can of lysol.

We decided we’d leave our unwanted visitor alone for a while…  I went back to my math quiz–incapacitated and not wanting to step on the floor or lean on any of the walls– and my roomie started looking up information online about Geckos.  It turns out the little devils chirp.  I’d been hearing what I thought was birds outside our room window at night, and had dismissed it.  The darn thing must have been right beside my head…

Geckos are nocturnal, so we decided to leave the light on all night, and sleep with our heads pointed away from the air vent where he was hiding.  I suggested we name the thing.  Arlene said she knew that I must already have a name for it, and that’d I’d probably give it the name of one of the Switchfoot bandmembers, seeing as their posters are plastered all over my wall.  I differed, saying that I could never give an object/animal of my disdain the any name I esteem…  To which she quickly replied with another name. 

I decided to stick with Bob though.  Seeing as that I know no one my the name of Bob, so it would fit.  And who knows, maybe I’ll grow to have some sort of understanding with our little guest—if he stays off of me, and off of my stuff, we should be fine.  I only hope that Bob isn’t a girl, seeing as female Gecko’s don’t need a male to reproduce.  I don’t want more than one uninvited guest in my room.

It’s now 2;@5pm, I have 5 minutes to get into work.  I have successfully entertained myself for 30 minutes.

Have a wonderful rest of your day!

: )

Bob-stay off my stuff while I’m gone.

Tattered

Tattered

By Sarah Madsen

I have not known pain like they,

but I’ve cried for them just the same-

The rose, she lets her crimson

fall, ignorant of her beauty.

The thorns at her side

reveal the scars;

her fragrance is never as sweet

as it was before it was lost.

And the shadow, he escapes my

grasp. Clasped are my hands

with the shackles of inability.

The world around still grows bright,

but his shade becomes darker.

If only to his giver he’d been sewn.

But I’m still unable to move a rock

of hardest stone. No magic words

nor push or pull

can break a caloused force.

I’d watched the stars fall

from their sky too often

to want their light.

But if given the chance,

I’d take a million tattered souls

over none at all.

I can’t think of a title.

So I found some stuff that I had written a little while back…

Here some of it is. There is still a lot that I deem un-readable to anyone other than myself. I really want to get back writing more.

Tears

By Sarah Madsen

Taste the ocean

as it runs down your

cheeks in waves

of emotion–

from eyes clouded over

and dark.

Darker still the reflection

of pain they reveal

to only one who can see that deep

without even looking.

***

Sharp Swords

By Sarah Madsen

You are salt in the wound–

add insult to injury.

As if your commentary

didn’t cut a deep enough

hole already.

But what would you care

I’m tired of tasting my

own tears;

their flavor a reminder

of our only common bond:

blood.

19.

I turned 19 the other day.  On the 19th to be exact.

It has been a lovely weekend.  I had class and work on my birthday, but my family drove up to UF from home to visit me for dinner.  They brought my grandparents, Aunt and my two young cousins with them.  My cousin Gabby also drove over from Flagler, and joined the family and my friend Delane for dinner.  I enjoyed getting to see them all, despite their short visit.  After they left, Gabby, Delane and I went back to Delane’s and watched a movie.

Throughout my day, I recieved many greetings and well-wishes from friends (and an occasional stranger).  My sister even had an old teacher and mentor of mine call me. 

Saturday morning I slept in a bit, and then went out to the mall with Delane and Gabby.  They were really sweet to give up their afternoon to spend it with me.  We hung around there a bit, and then headed back before dinner.

I had asked a bunch of friends to join me for dinner at Olive Garden, just to hang out.  It didn’t matter to me whether it was for my birthday or not.  Some friends though circulated that it was. 

I tried calling ahead to Olive Garden, but they wouldn’t take reservations.  They had assured me though that it would only be a half hour to 45 minute wait maximum.  When I arrived at Olive Garden, 35 people had showed up.  Unfortunately we had a 2+ hour long wait, but everyone stuck it out.  We were finally seated just after 8 in our own room.

I was blown away by these friends.  I didn’t expect so many people to show up.  They are some of the best gifts anyone could ask for.  Dinner was wonderful.  Afterwards, Megan and Christen were going to have some people over to their dorm appartment, but we ended up over at another friends because our group had grown so large.  We hung out there for a while, and Megan and Christen brought over a cake that they had made me.  :)  We spent some more time just visiting, and Craig was teaching swing dancing outside to some other people.

All I could do all night was sit back in amazement at how truely blessed I am to have found some dear friends up here at school so soon.

I wish there were a way that I could mix my life back home with the new one that I’ve found up here at school.  I can list more than 19 ways in which God has revealed his love to me.  It’s visible in His Son for sure, but also in so many more wonderful ways…

Each of my friends is one of those ways.

You all reveal God’s love to me.

You demonstrate it to me in your kindness and generosity, in your dedication and compassion for others.

I love each and every one of you very much!

So to each of you—old friends and new.  Thank you for the part of my 19 years in which you have shared.  I look forward to sharing in whatever time there is to come.

I’m eating pineapple out of a can!

My headline might not conjure up any sort of emotion if you’ve never eaten anything out of a can, and never heard you mother yell out at you: “Don’t do that, you’ll get metal poisoning!” Whatever that is. psh.

Over Christmas break, my great Aunt Tissie came over for a visit with the family. She’s really cool for an 80+ year old woman; she’s really sharp too. She started telling all of these old awesome family stories.

I’m going to relay my favorite to you… It’s about how the Madsen family came to live in America.

My dad’s side of the family is from England. Our name is primarily Norwegian, and I guess a lot of them ended up in England. Anyways… A long time ago, our family used to be the official meat suppliers to the Royal family of England. No joke. We were the real deal. Meat packers to the King. HA.

During the Boer War, England was trying to send food and other supplies to the British troops. Canned good were a new revolutionary process, and my family started canning meats. A lot of these canned meats were sent to the troops fighting.

Unfortunately, there must have been some problems with the meat-canning technology/methodology, and a lot of the meat cans became infested with bacteria. The soldiers who ate the canned meat became sick either from metal poisoning or other forms of bacteria. The troops slowly started dying from illnesses they had procured from eating my family’s canned meat.

Understandably upset, the Royal family ordered my family to be fired, so that England wouldn’t end up losing the war because they were killing off their own troops.

Now finding their name tarnished with the label of “poisoning the troops” (or something like that… I guess it just boiled down to a lot of bad publicity and made it harder to find a decent job) my family decided to get a fresh start in America. So, they packed up their belongings, and sailed to the good old U.S. of A.

And all of this stems from the thought that I was just eating uncooked food/fruit out of a metal can. If I keel over and die, check to see that none of my relatives are still in the food canning industry. Haha.

So there’s a bit of family history for you.

Crossroads and back to school

This weekend was awesome.

I managed to find a spot on the trip to Tennessee for the FCA Crossroads retreat at the last minute the night before. I did laundry (which I now need to desperately do again) and packed and was ready to go.

My boss let me take off Friday, and I made sure I wasn’t missing any classwork.

Thursday night around 10ish (?) Tana picked up me and Mallory and we went over to Ashley and Danielle’s to hang out for the evening. The buses were leaving at 3:30am, so we figured why not stay up all night… I was too excited to sleep anyways. That always happens.

It was finally time to leave, and we all loaded on the busses. The two busses seemed to become divided between upper-classmen and the freshmen, and I was on the upper-classmen bus, which I enjoyed because it gave me a better chance to know some of them a bit better. I managed to get a seat to myself, and fell fast asleep after pulling onto the highway. We stopped a few times, but I managed to sleep for a majority of the time (I think I managed 6-7 hours). We got to our hotel in the late afternoon, and unloaded the busses and got settled in. I think our FCA group took up the entire 2nd floor-it was awesome. I think there was a total of 94 of us.

Later that night we went to a Mexican place for dinner. The best part about that is when a large group of the guys had finished, they were standing outside the front window (right in front of the rest of our group’s tables) and they started goofing off and making faces. I was laughing so hard, especially since one of the waiters looked up right then from cleaning a table and began shaking his head! After dinner we went to the pre-conference worship service.

All of the days seem to blend together. We did so much. I enjoyed the “breakout sessions/workshops” a lot, and the speakers at the conference were cool. My favorite part about the whole weekend overall was the fellowship.

We played so many games of Mafia… I always managed to die in the first few rounds. A lot of the group walked around Gatlinburg, taking in the sights of tourist traps and thousands of other people who were in town either for Crossroads or other conferences. I played “snaps” with people… haha.

One of my favorite games on the trip was this “poison darts” game we all played… The game goes something like this: you call out someone’s name (there was an amendment added later that constituted it had to be from a certain distance away), once they made eye contact, you pretended to blow a poisoned dart at them. The person who’d been hit would then drop to the ground, no matter where they were. We had people falling on the sidewalks and in restaraunts and down hotel stairs. They could only get back up when someone else removed the “dart” from their neck. It was pretty awesome. I had a fair ammount of good shots, and got hit a few times too…

One of the evenings after the service, we all went back to the hotel and hung out in one of the rooms while Gary and Mike led us in worship songs. It was pretty awesome. We fit a lot of people in that one room.

One of the nights I tried to beat Sami and see how long I could stay up before crashing and heading to bed. I think I gave up around 3:45ish maybe… But that’s ok, because I beat him the next night… I stayed up till 4:56am. I’d been visiting with Katie and Karen. When I got back up to my room, I couldn’t find my pillow, and I thought the housekeeping staff might have taken it on accident. I went down to the lobby, and one of the managers let me in to look in the laundry room, but it wasn’t there. I had resigned to the fact that they’d mail it to me, but when I got back up to the room I found that it had been cunningly hidden behind the bed. (Much to my disappointment, I did end up forgetting my phone charger. First time ever. And when I called the hotel, they hadn’t found anything. Mom is bringing up a temporary for a while…)

One of the afternoons (Sunday, I’m pretty sure) a bunch of us went hiking. I thought we’d be following a marked trail, so I wore my all-star shoes. I’d done this before (wearing those shoes), but this time we didn’t end up on the trail, and instead scaled straight up the face of the mountain. It was really steep, slippery, covered in leaves and dead tree trunks that would slide down on top of you if you weren’t careful. I only made it as far up the mountain as I did, I believe, because my friend Sami helped me up a lot of the ways. It was quite the view, and a lot of fun, even though I’m terrified of hieghts. While Mallory, Erika and I sat and rested, Sami, Jerrod and Tana climbed the rest of the way to the top. Once they reached there, we all started yelling Gator chants at each other, only to hear someone below us on the mountain yelling back in response, it turned out to be some other Florida FCAers on a hike as well. Time to go down the mountain, which is always harder, especially since it was so steep. I was afraid of falling, so I finally decided to forsake cleanlyness for safety-I slid down the mountain instead. I have some lovely dirt stains across my jeans and on my shoes that I must wash out.

The busride home was a lot of fun. Everyone rested for the first half of the trip again. But then by lunchtime we’d woken up a bit more. We kept playing this game “hot seat,” which was essentially a game of truth or dare without the dare. We’d ask people questions and they’d have to answer each one honestly. There were a lot of good questions asked-some were more of the typical “favorite movie/book” types, and others were the really thought-provoking questions about our future, life-threatening situations, and our spirituality. It was a great way to just get to know people better.I’m really glad that I had the opportunity to go to camp. The fellowship was amazing.

But now I’m back to school, and already staying up late and doing homework and thinking about doing laundry. Maybe. I’ve managed to wake up on time for classes and work. Granted, it’s meantgiving up my regular morning showers and going grunge. (Why is it that I always run into everyone when I’m a complete mess?!)

Tuesday morning I had my math class at 8:30, then I decided to pick up another course syllabus. While I was in the copy store, Mallory stopped in, and invited me to join her at the racket club for coffee. We sat in there for a while and did some of a crossword puzzle. Later when I was going into the UF bookstore, I saw Mark and Dan sitting in the Reitz. I called Mark’s name, and “shot” him with a dart… After saying a quick hello, I continued on my way when I heard someone call out “Sarah, wait!” I turned around only to be shot down by Mark, right in the middle of the walkway. And I did fall. And Mark came over and pulled the dart out of my neck as bewildered students filed past me… Good times. I ran into a bunch of other people that day, on their way to classes or work or home. I like spending so much time just walking around and seeing people.

Anyways…this blog has gotten ridiculously long, or rediculously, as I used to spell it… haha. Thanks.

So, I think anything else I was going to say here will show up in “Edition 2 of completely unrelated/ philosophical thoughts/meaningless observations”. Yeah. Sounds good.