It’s been a while since I’ve written/journaled much. I feel I’m overdue. Writing is one of the few ways I can really release my joys and burdens. It’s theraputic, and my week has been a bit strenuous. So, it is an early 11:40pm, I have put on the “lullaby mix” of my music, curled up in a blanket, and now beging to type away at the keys.
Sigh.
What a week (or so) it has been!
Some things I’ve come to realize since I last wrote anything:
Some of my previous entries may contain “rants” or stong opinions, or beliefs. When I write them, I do so from my perspective (well isn’t that already obvious?) but I just want to say that I often don’t get to write everything that I may be thinking about them. I can only type so much. So, I do not wish to offend people, either by coming off too strongly or too weak. So, if you ever find something that I’ve written and have a problem with it-talk to me. Here’s my disclaimer: I’m not that eloquent, and cannot say everything that I might have intended to say.
I just realized, in conversations and my own reflection, that perhaps some of the seemingly nonsensical or normal things that I’m talking about will make perfect 100% crystal clear sense to me, but maybe not so much so to others reading it. If you’d ever like to clarify things with me, I’d love to. 
There. Sigh.
OK… So my week:
(I guess I should really start with last Friday…)
Is it possible to feel such joy and sorrow all at the same time?
The weekend before last was amazing, but with the same token, I find that at its end I was once again fighting off fears, regrets and distresses.
Last Friday my day began with a couple tests, a quiz and work. A fairly normal day. Ashley Groves called, and invited me to meet her and Danielle for lunch at the Hub, which I thouroughly enjoyed. Those two girls are awesome!
When we were there, I happened to notice a young homeless couple digging around in the trash, eating the reminants of others’ Chic-fil-a lunches. I was about ready to run outside and offer to but them lunch inside, but it only took a little cowardice to deter my idea. I was nervous as to how they might respond. How do you offer to buy a stranger’s lunch [especially in such a situation] without causing a dent to their pride? I was afraid they would refuse me. I was afraid that I would only make them uncomfortable.
Now I can’t but help to think of how stupid I was. If someone is looking through and eating the remaining food out of a garbage can, do you honestly think they’d refuse a free meal inside? Then again, it would mean giving up a sort of independence and self-sufficiency. Even I find that as difficult to relinquish at times.
My blood began to boil as Ashley and Danielle pointed out how horrible it was that other students inside the Hub were making fun of the couple outside. This made me wish I had bought the couple lunch, just to shut everyone else up. Perhaps some of that was more self-motivated at that point, but I felt that I wanted to vindicate these people, and to silence the sharp words of others, that like a sword drew blood…
My silence, and my inaction, however, were the salt in the wound.
I thought of that for some time now.
Last Friday night, a bunch of friends met at Mellow Mushroom for dinner, and then joined me at swing dancing. It was amazing!! I think around 18 people that I had invited showed up. I love it so much, and everyone said that they’d love to come back. Around midnight, after dancing, we all stopped and got some ice cream and went back to Amanda’s to hang out.
Last Saturday I slept in (at least I think I did-I’m pretty sure-it’s all a blur) and hung out in the dorm. A bunch of the FCA freshmen ended up over at Amanda’s dorm again, and we watched “Center Stage” and then I watched Ashley Groves and Amanda dance (they both used to do tap and ballet) in the hallway. Later that evening, I went bowling with Andy, Christin, Sauce, Ryan, Alex, Kaleb, Lauren, Andy (2) and Katie. I actually got a strike at one point!! Woohoo!
After bowling, we ended back over at Sauce and Christin’s place and hung out for a while again. Sunday morning I went with Lauren, Chase, Andy, Christin and others to Family Church. I really enjoyed it. Afterwards they had a lunch for the young adults. Yay for veggetarian lasagne…even though I am not a veggetarian.
Last Sunday was of course the Superbowl, so after church I went with Lauren to the grocery store to get some things to take to the FCA gathering at Jenn’s. It’s really difficult reaching things on the top shelves of grocery isles. Especially on a day when EVERYONE and their mothers are at the store getting ready for whatnot. After 15 minutes of looking for someone to help me/attempting to reach what I needed, I found a random guy who helped me.
When I got to Jenn’s, around 20 or so people were there, with multiple televisions set up in the house. One was even stationed in the bathroom, though I did not personally see it… By half time, there were so many people over that you could hardly manuever through the house!!
Delane and her roomate came at halftime too, and so after the game I went home with them. I was semi-rooting for the Colts. I say semi because I was really only semi watching the game (I was really there for the fellowship), I guess you could say I’m a Peyton Manning fan (he’s a good quarterback from what I’ve seen) and my dad said “you can root for the team your brother and I are supporting.” So there, I was cheering for the Colts. I guess I’m happy then because they won. College sports is where it’s at. Whatever that phrase means.
Monday is sort of a foggy haze right now… I think I ended up missing my first class…or was that Wednesday? Class-work-class-work, as usual I guess. Monday night I went to Leah Mader’s bible study, which I’ve come to enjoy. That night I managed to find myself in another late, late night online conversation. Always good, but always a killer in the mornings. This past week I had numerous late-night convos–4am, 5am and 3am, respectively. Strange how sleep seems so trivial when thought-provoking and intellectual discussion is around.
Tuesday the same work-class-work schedule. Gary picked me up for FCA music practice. I love going and watching them. It’s a huge energy boost for me. Before each practice we catch up on how everyone’s past week has gone. I’d been dealing with some discouraging news surrounding some friends back home (been talking to my sister about some things, and trying to encourage each other as well the other night) and so I asked for prayer. Something that Mike said while praying for that really stuck out to me–he said something along the lines of giving me the words to say, or using me to help my friends and then–and here’s what stuck out to me–he even prayed for the words that I may never have. I forget the exact way he worded it, but it was such a comfort. I struggle so often with wanting to be able to say that perfect phrase that will make it all better. I hate to see people suffering–especially people that I love. I’m dying for them to really know how much I love them, and how concerned I am for them. I don’t think they understand that. I want to help heal people. I know it’s only God that can, but I want to badly to be able to say that perfect word that people will hear and forget all their troubles.
That whole situation (friends that are going through a lot right now) has really been on my mind lately–been plauging my thoughts–led to a lot of writing again as well (poetry). I created a new blog with just my poetry–at least all that I deem somewhat readable. Right now I’m leaning on prayer to help me understand things better, and to trust God. I want to trust that my insufficiencies will be more than made up for by Him. I want my friends to find His love, and His ability to mend what’s broken…
Wednesday was wonderful. It has become my shortest day of the week. I had class, work and then may 12:50 class, but didn’t have to go back into work again in the afternoon. My busy busy work schedules the previous week were finally becoming lighter. I finally did a few loads of laundry that afternoon, and then in the early evening, went over for dinner to Jared Bailey’s. We made quesadillas and visited over there a while. We had intened to head to a church service, followed by FCA after we ate, but right before we left the apartment, they guys received a call from their other roomate Scott, who’d been hit by a car while riding his bike. Jared and I went over to visit with him in the ER (he was fine, just a bit bruised and sore from hitting the ground) while he waited on X-rays. While we were in the ER, we met a little girl named Zoie who was in there with us. Zoie had Luekemia, and has to get 3 and a half more years of chemo. She’s only 3… Zoie’s mother and aunt were with her, and we visited with the 3 of them for a while. Zoie began to warm up to us strangers in the ER with her, and before you know it, she was taking pictures of Jared and me with her aunt’s camera phone.
While we were with Zoie, Jared told me that he’d be volunteering on the 5th floor of the hospital working with kids with cancer, doing art projects. My weekends are generally always open, so I voiced an interest in helping as well. Once Scott was released, we stopped to drop off his prescription, and then decided to get some ice cream and go back to their place and visit. It was a good time of fellowship, and probably the best hospital visit I’ve ever had. I hope to be able to see Zoie again soon.
Thursday I was a bit late to work. I was a bit frazzled the whole afternoon. Class-work-class again. I went to RUF bible study that evening with Megan, and then had some down time at the dorm before I went over to Mallory’s to surprize Tana for her birthday. A bunch of us had gathered outside East Hall and sang happy birthday and had brownies and visited for a while.
Friday. TGI(was)F. Seriously. It was, however, one of the more bleak Friday’s I’ve ever had in a while. I went to my 8:30 math lecture-the first one I’ve made it to in a while-figuring that since we had an 8:30pm test that evening, class might entail a review session–no. We talked about scientific notation. I’m pretty sure I learned that in 7th grade. Then the class was given a pop quiz, and I was unable to had mine in, and then our professor let us out 10 minutes late–making me 15 minutes left for my next class, in which I found out I had bombed (really really bombed) our first exam. 
uggghhhh. God is definately opening my eyes as to how beautiful rest and weekends are!!
Friday afternoon was a bit better. My boss let me off work early, and I had some time to rest before my test at 8:30pm. Gabby came into town for a concert Friday night, and she and Delane were picking me up after my test to take me with them. I’d gotten out of my test a bit late, so I was trying to meet up with the girls who were driving down the street in Delane’s car. I’ve decided that running down and across Museum Road, through moving traffic, booking it down the sidewalk and jumping into a car is one of the more hillarious things that someone’s ever seen me do. The girls were laughing at how fast I could run in my shoes…
The concert (the Showdown District) was good, and afterwards we went over to the Drummer’s house and hung out till really late. A bunch of Gabby and Delane’s friends from Orangewood (HS) were in town for the show, so I got to meet a lot of them the other night.
Saturday I slept in late again, and spent most of the morning lazing about and listening to music. Jared picked me up for volunteering around 2, and I got to work with him and another “Searchlight” coordinator named Tara. I enjoyed visiting with the patients and hanging out there. After volunteering I hung out in the dorm again until later in the evening, when I went over to Amanda’s with Craig, Lauren, Karen, Talie and Katie to watch the UF vs. Kentucky basketball game. Andy joined us later after the Toby Keith concert.
This morning I went to Family Church again with Delane. Tim Tebow sat a couple rows behind me, and I saw him again afterwards at Sonny’s (where we all went for lunch) with a bunch of friends from Crusade. After lunch I ran some errands with Delane. Later this evening I went to FCA servant team, and then a big group of us went out to eat at Moe’s afterwards. I sat listening to Gary and Cody tell stories of back home, nearly laughing so hard as to make liquid spew from my nostrils… Thank goodness that didn’t happen… The rest of my evening has been spent aimlessly recapping my weekend, being arts and craftsy and trying to make a mix CD (something which I put waaayyy too much thought into!). I could have been in bed over an hour ago, but noooo, I couldn’t. I need to make time to write, so that I don’t go writing an entire blog about what I did with my silly life.
I want to write more. I want to get at the heart of things. I want to stop speaking shallow words and start writing ones that delve into the depths of my heart.
Sigh.
Once again…
I’m going to bed now. Hopefully tomorrow finds me well rested and ready to tackle my day.
Let’s see what’s in store.
And until then, pleasant dreams, my friends.
