Grown-up fairy tales and happily forever and ever afters…

While part of me is perfectly convinced that I’m ready for the the real world, and ready for complete independence, there’s another part of me that keeps pulling me back and speaking reason into my ear…

I know at least I’m making some sort of progress, because now every time my parents, or another older, somewhat authority figure says something contradictory to what I want to believe, deep down I know they’re probably going to be right…

So how can I make it seem like their ways or ideas were really mine in the first place…?

Once I have that figured out, I do believe I will have reached a higher level of understanding and responsibility.

I’ll call this level the “Indignation and Adaptation” stage.

So that’s where I’m at right now.

To an extent, I’m greatful for voices of reason that tend to speak (or bludegeon me over the head with) common sense and a wiser, more experienced worldview to me.

I guess it’s wishful thinking and the desire for a fairytale life that I’m not quite ready to give up that keeps me from emerging from my cocoon of youth into a budding life of maturity and adulthood. Sorry, I had to throw in some sort of lame-sounding metaphor there… But it’s true-I’m not ready for reality-I want life to fulfill all of my expectations and desires. It’s a very selfish sounding (okay, not just sounding, it IS selfish) dream-that life would cave and be molded to my every whim. I won’t try and defend it.

At the same time, I don’t think it would be wrong for me to not yeild my wishes, desires and dreams (however fanciful) to reality just yet. I have no desire to become hardened and cynical as reality and its awfulness seep into my life.

There are few certainties in life: death and taxes being the only two I can remember (I’m almost sure there is a third…).

Well, world, apparently being claimed as a dependent and making a low enough income ensures me that (at least for the next year) I still don’t have to pay taxes, and death (could come at any time) though a youthful exhuberance pits my chances around 50-50, which aren’t horrible odds…

So, the two certainties aren’t certain in my forseeable future (none of which is forseeable, really). So I think I’ll enjoy clinging to my childish fantasies or “happily ever after” and “life is a piece of cake” theories as long as possible.

Though, with the same token, I want to note that I don’t want to become as the child who’s young vocabulary only seems to include the word “mine”. I’d be much happier if I could completely trust myself to live in a way that not only pursues my own fairy tale, but rather pursues making sure others reach their “happily forever and ever after” first.

I’m babbling.  It’s vauge babbling, I know.
Just understand that all of this makes perfect, beautiful, eloquent sense in my head…

Even if it’s nothing but incoherant to you now…

Forgotten

Do you ever feel forgotten?

In all honesty, I have a major complex in this: I almost always feel forgotten.

I hate it. I know sometimes it’s not completely true, but it still doesn’t mean that it hurts any less to feel like that.

Today was a relatively good day, for example…

My friend Noah remembered that I asked to hear as soon as he heard back from admissions here at UF as to whether or not he got in… (He did!! Congrats!! It seriously made my day to hear that…)

I had a missed phone call tonight from my friend Liz, who was just calling to see how I was doing, which was really sweet.

And then later tonight after I got back from bible study, Kathleen had left me a message saying that her facebook “status” was originally supposed to read “Kathleen is missing Sarah Madsen” instead of “Kathleen is missing”, which also made me feel special.

But on almost any other given day, I don’t feel so special.

I feel like the easily forgotten friend…

I’m the last person anyone calls when plans are made (if they call at all), I’m the one left out of inside jokes, or the one that no one seems to miss when I’m not around…

This feeling of utter abandonment somewhat resembles being the lone kid at that cafeteria table, when everyone else has their group of friends to sit with…

Even when I have someone to sit with, I find myself often times questioning whether or not they really find me a burden-if they are keeping me company out of pity-or if they’re sitting with me because they want to…

There have been a couple isolated events recently that brought these insecurities oozing back to the surface recently.

It’s not a far cry from the way I had been feeling late Junior and early Senior year of high school–a semi-depressed state of being which I don’t ever want to return to. Every time I get this way though I can’t help but realize that I’m probably not alone in believing these things… I tend to make it my personal mission to never let anyone feel the same way as I did–I try to become their savior in a sense–I don’t want any one else to feel alone, abandoned or forgotten ever, not if I could help it.

How silly it is that we probably all feel the same way about a great many things, but out of fear and whatever stupid humanity there is that causes such feelings, we decide that it would be better to never disclose any such thoughts.

Someone at FCA the other day said that if people could read thoughts-their true, unaltered thoughts-that each and every single person in the room might not be thier friend. True, sometimes our thoughts, first impressions or stupidity if broadcasted for everyone to hear might cause us to be seen in a much more [though slightly realistic] negative light, however, I think it might also clear the air a bit–allow us to laugh atour insecurities and struggles and say to one another “You mean you thought/felt that too?!!?!”

As I rode with a friend home from bible study, I thought to myself how pathetic I might seem if they knew how insecure I was right then and there…

I know I shouldn’t care what others think…

So often, I think I’m pretty good at stayig true to myself, but then there are times when I just want people to quell all of my fears, look me in the eyes and tell me that “no, you’re loved… people may seem to forget, and they might, but you’re too special to forget…”

I want to be unforgettable.
Silly me.

It’s not supposed to be about me at all.

I understand that. I know that the need for affirmation aside from that which we should find in Christ Jesus shouldn’t really matter all that much to me.

No, that doesn’t mean I think that wanting to feel loved by people is wrong, or ungodly… I think that loving people and being loved in returned is a good goal in life…

Sometimes though, despite God’s promise to never abandon us, I still can’t help but feel like an inconveneince to Him too…

I feel as though my problems, my sins and my struggles are so trite and small compared to everyone else’s, and it’s not like I’m even doing enough on my own to have a better walk with Him, so why should it be His responsibility to do anything about it, or remember me if I can’t pull my own weight in the first place?

It’s a horrible feeling, to feel forgotten not only by the world, but by the one who says He won’t ever forget you…EVER.

I know He doesn’t really…but my own insecurities and doubts don’t recognize that.

Sometimes a lack of tangible relationship with God only adds to my doubts and feelings of being alone.

I guess the whole point of writing this would just be for me to say this:

This is how I feel a lot of the time. I hope you don’t. If you do, I’d love to show you that you shouldn’t. And perhaps I can learn to accept that fact myself too.

It would be beautiful to write a poem that everyone can identify with in some respect, and when they read it all they’d say is “Exactly.”

…And then all of our struggles and fears and insecurities would seem a little less daunting simply because another human being could perfectly identify with all of it.

I guess that’s something that makes Jesus so unique-unique amongst any man-made diety or any other human being to ever walk the earth–He CAN identify with it all.

Spring Break

I’m sick.

It’s absolutely no fun, especially since I wanted to come back to this semester ready to tackle everything head-on.

But all events leading up to this point (me being sick) were abolutely amazing.

I have no idea where to begin…

This past spring break was the craziest thing that has ever happened to me:

Completely and utterly mind-blowing, and definately not lacking in adventure, miracles and just overall amazingness.

It started off fairly mellow-

My family came up on Friday, and we spent that evening and all of Saturday with my grandparents and extended family in Ocala. Sunday we went to church, I visited my new second cousin (I do believe) and then went to youthgroup. Monday I spent the afternoon with Kristen, and that night Leah and I visited with Lucas up at Starbucks. Tuesday morning Kathy and Juli took me to breakfast and we had a lovely accumulation of random stops to the bank (Juli doesn’t know how to withdraw money unless it’s from an ATM), the thrift store (they’d never been) and to pick up Catalina. Tuesday afternoon the Whitaker family came over to visit, and that night I packed for Engedi.

Wednesday began an experience like no other…

My church has an annual retreat called Engedi. Since I’ve been a part of St. Paul’s PCA, I have not missed one. This year I was to return as a counselor.

I was a bit nervous, primarily because though I was good friends with everyone on the trip, I wanted to be a good leader. Essentially, I wanted the best of both worlds-to be both their friend, to get something out of the camp myself, while at the same time helping others and being a good counselor.

Everyone arrived at the church around 8am Wednesday morning. Our typical 15 passenger van form of transportation had been replaced for a charter bus. (Much to my liking, because you could be with everyone…) Unfortunately, the bus was not the cleanest, niceset, or safest. It lacked air conditioning, smelled funny, the speakers didn’t work, and the tires were bald… But no matter-everyone was still very excited to be going–all 48 of us.

By lunchtime, we were all sweating buckets…

At around 4:30pm, 35 miles outside of Columbia, SC, our bus broke down. Apparently it had overheated. We were initially told to remain on the bus, but when it became apparent just how hot it really was, we were allowed off, so long as we stayed as far off the road as possible. We sat by the side of a major interstate for close to 6 hours. At first we had been told that a replacement bus was going to be sent to us from Columbia, so it would be to us within the hour. After a couple hours, everyone was getting a little restless, but we all managed to entertain ourselves, and fend off hunger with skittles and oreos. Some of the boys got out their guitars and djembes, and were playing music for everyone. Others were playing frisbee, taking photos, or amusing themselves by eating crickets that seemed to abound by the roadside.

Through miscommunication with dispatchers at our bus company, it was only around 5 hours later that we discovered that our new bus driver had to be called in from Savannah, GA. He had to pack for a 4 day trip, drive all the way to Columbia, fuel up and prepare the bus, and then drive all the backroads in order to get to us. By this time, we had all unloaded our luggage from the other bus (all assembly-line like) in preparation for a quick loading onto our new bus. Our current bus driver, Angel, was blow away by our patience. We had all spent time together that evening praying for the speedy arrival of our new bus, as well as for Angel, who most likely had to stay with his bus overnight to wait for a mechanic. One of the girls gave Angel her bible. He said he had an interest in moving to Winter Park (where our church is from) and it was so cool, because he spent some time talking to our youthleader, Kevin, and arranged to meet up with him sometime when we got back from our camp.

By this time, it was dark, and we were all sitting around visiting. Some of the boys were using the bullhorn to broadcast the music on their phones for everyone to hear–they started their own rave by the side of a highway. Someone even had a laser, and began shining it into the woods… When our new bus arrived, shouts of joy could be heard coming from all the students. We made a pit stop for a very late dinner at McDonalds… They were about to close, but stayed open for us after hearing our ordeal.

We arrived at camp about 5am. I had to be up for breakfast duty around 8am.

Our first day was a relaxing one, we stayed close to camp, explored the woods around our cabin, played some cards, etc.

Kevin and Devin alternated speaking at the morning sessions, speaking on what “Engedi” really means. In the bible, Engedi is a place of rest, of rejuvination and a safe haven.

Aaron Moore spoke in the evening on Jacob, and our weaknesses–how we need to stop clinging to them and instead cling to God.

Both sessions were great! Some of those at camp were really able to identify and get a lot out of both subjects.

Friday was supposed to be our day for excursions-to the Biltmore house and a 5 mile hike on the Appalachain trail, respectively-but the weather forecast called for lots of rain and extremely cold conditions. Since that recipie called for hypothermia, we decided to postpone our outing until Saturday. The rest of our afternoon was spent watching The Prestige (I was one of few people who’d actually seen it). After we finished the movie, we boarded the bus to make a trip into Brevard, NC-home of the white squirrell. (We didn’t manage to find any though…)

While in town, everyone stopped by our favorite ice cream shop-despite freezing temperatures-and the toy store, where many of the guys purchased fake guns and fake ciggaretts (it seems to become an annual tradition). Thereafter, every bus ride was accompanied with a game a Russian Rullet, and general all-out barrage of rubber bullets. I was pegged in the forehead once. The best event on this trip involving one of those bullets had to be when Josh ate one-just because.

Saturday we wanted to gett an early start for our excursions. We had about an hour long bus ride to drop the first half of the group off at the Biltmore House (house…psh. More like Castle). From there, we had close to another hour long bus ride to our drop off point for the Appalachain Trail. I was one of 4 girls! As Noah lovingly called us… “The b.a. girls” We were a little concerned that we wouldn’t be able to finish the 5 miles on time, so we booked it (probably made record time, actually). I was quite pleased because we all managed to stay together on the trail-all 22 or so of us. It was beautiful out, a bit cold-we tried to remedy that a few times with group hugs.

On the descent, Noah, Johnny, Spilman and Scot had gotten a ways ahead, and didn’t hear us saying to wait up. About 100-200 feet above them, some of the guys were standing on a cliff when a boulder got loose. It landed right in between Noah and Johnny, inches from either one of them. Had they been hit, they most likely would have been killed.

Needless to say, we were all a bit shaken up over this, but moved on with our afternoon, casually joking over how sometimes God really uses big wake up calls to reach us.

We picked up the rest of our group at the Biltmore House, stopped by Starbucks to warm up, and headed back to camp for dinner. Saturday night we were supposed to eat at the Ridgehaven dining hall (The camp whose facilities we were using… Typically, we cooked our own meals.) Some of the guys had eaten in a hurry, and run down to the river to see the “vine bridge” they had built the day before while there was still daylight out.

As I walked back to our cabin with Charity, Drew caming running up asking where Aaron was. Aparently, one of the students had a seizure while hiking down to the river as a result of a medication side affect. When I got back to the cabin, there was a general concern for our friend, and a lot ofthe students gathered to pray for them, and comfort each other. A general concern for our firend, combined with the days events-and even more mind-blowing: an overwhelming sense of the Lord’s love- set off someone into a panic attack. Emotions in our cabin reached even greater heights, and students continued to pray and console each other.

Some of the guys had gone down to help bring up our friend who had the seizure. They had managed to come to, and were responsive. Everyone had gathered in the meeting room by now, where we were about to meet for our evening session. We prayed some more, and both students (who had the seizure and panic attack) had recovered and had joined the rest of our camp. They both said how these events were some of the best things that happened to them–as far as relying on God and trusting in his providence.

The next morning we awoke, quite exhausted, but ready for the day, sad that we were to be heading home again. Unfortunately, our morning was to be concluded with another unexpected event-another seizure. This time, it was serious enough to merit a call to the hospital, and our youthleader Kevin went to the hospital to stay until the camper would be discharged.

We were not ready for another event like this. But once again, the students pulled together, and prayed for our friend, and comforted each other as best we could. We had to get on the road though, and we were already a couple hours behind schedule. Once on the bus, everyone’s spirits picked back up, especially with the news that our friend was fine, and that he would be discharged soon and on the road behind us. (The van eventually caught up to our slower-moving bus.)In those short hours, I saw friends become family. We all know that we’ve heard that we’re all part of the body of Christ, and that we’re His family, but in those short moments of fear and prayer we acted like it. I was blown away.

We all took a few moments and came to the realization that God really showed up for us there…

It was amazing how perfectly these events coincided with what Aaron, Kevin and Devin had been talking about…

Jacob’s strenghts were his cunning, his ability to trick and decieve people… All his life he had relied on his strengths to sustain him. At that moment of greatest fear-his brother who had sworn to kill him ahead of him, unable to turn back-he sits at the river’s edge, alone, his family and possessions divided in preparation for the worst…

Jacob is approached by a man, and they wrestle each other until dawn. Using all of his tricks, Jacob is able to hang on that long, and even though his hip is writhing in pain, he refuses to let go, until the man blesses him. It is at this moment that we realize that this is no man, but God… Jacob stopped clinging to his strengths–He started clinging to God.

It is in our moments of weakness that we so desperatly want to hold fast to our own abilities, to rely on our own strenths to save us, but what Jacob realized-what we need to realize-is that we cannot cling to our strengths, and instead cling to God alone. For He alone is powerful enough. His power is perfected in our weakness.

How true this was for all of us at camp this past week…

God really showed up. It was in those moments where we were faced with fear and uncertainty that we were forced to turn to prayer-to turn to God-and rely on His strength to get us through.

And sure, everyone expects to come back from camp a bit tired from all of the activity, and staying up late, but we never expected to be so drained… So many of the campers had already come down with flu-like illnesses as well.

It was here that I realized that Engedi–that true rest–is found in God alone, and in His word. In this world we may never find peace, solitude, santuary or rejuvination, save in Christ alone.

Christ Jesus is my Engedi.

We were all so exhausted and emotionally drained on the way home. I played nurse to numerous campers who’d come down with the flu-like symptoms. Camp had been unlike any other…

It had blown our minds. God really used everything that happened to impact all of us in some way.

We got home to Winter Park shortly after 1am, tired, sick, not ready for school the next day…

But completely and utterly amazed at God and His power.

I’m back up at UF now, and I’d give anything to be back right now with everyone…

I miss that part of my family.

I’ve recieved a few phone calls or messages from some of the other campers who’ve thanked me, or told me how much they want to go back.

At the beginning of the week, I would have told you that I was worried more than ever about whether or not I would be a good counselor, and God really answered my prayers.

But I also realized that God’s ability more than covers my inability…

I can honestly say I’ve never had a crazier spring break…

something i can’t define…

I’ve sat here for the past five minutes, trying to figure out where to begin…

or where to end…

Life would be so much simpler if I could just place a window in front of my heart.

Tomorrow starts spring break, and I’m happy to be going back to my family and greatly anticipating my trip to North Carolina. (North Carolina though is causing some feelings of inadequacy and nervousness to rise up from the deep…)

I find I’m at the same crossroads again:

Why can’t I just say what I want to?

I’ll be working as a counselor up at the camp, and I’m dying inside right now because I fear that I won’t know what to say, what to do, how to act–how to make these people feel loved.

At FCA Servant team this past week, I gave my testimony. I mentioned briefly the time in my life where I struggled with an incapability to feel perfectly loved–and how that’s now become one reason that I want to better convey God’s love to others. I want to change the world.

Is that too much to ask?

Perhaps.

These past few weeks have been incredible.

I went down to Plant City with some friends to the Strawberry Festival. Had some good bonding time. When I got back to town late Saturday night, I joined a bunch of friends from FCA who were camping out before Sunday’s last home basketball game. Even though I didn’t have a ticket, I spent the night out there with them. We had a couple tents set up, and I curled up between Katy and Rachel, and managed to get a few hours of sleep before church the nex morning. Who knew cement could be so comfortable…

I sang at FCA last Wednesday as well, which was exciting. I was admittedly a bit nervous-I think perhaps more so at practice even… I don’t consider myself an amazing singer by any means (make a joyful noise) but I love it. It’s been so much fun just hanging out at music practices Tuesday nights, and just getting to know the band better.  One of the songs that we sang was “Holiness”–I love the lines that say: “Brokenness, brokenness is what I long for.  Brokenness is what I need.  Brokenness, brokenness, is what you want from me.”

I can’t even remember all that’s happened since I last took the time to sit and write…

FCA Dueling Decades Dance Party (60s hippie dresses are so much fun!), the Mae concert, canoeing with the FCA girls, bible studies, dinners with friends… The list will only get longer.

I’ve had the opportunity recently to spend some time actually talking to people and getting to know friends better one-on-one. Jenn MacFarlin and I had planned a date to watch my favorite movie, the Princess Bride, though we ended up spending the entire evening visiting, only to look at the clock at 3am and realize it was too late to start the film. After servant team the other night the group headed over to Moe’s for our typical post-meeting hangout. It was there that I enjoyed conversation with Mark and others ranging on everything from denominations to political parties. (And following a not so random tangent…) Donald Miller’s work has been resurfacing lately, as I’ve searched for quotes or other ideas of his… How funny it is (and what a God moment) when the very phrase that I had randomly selected to read just so happened to be the same one that was read at a volunteering team meeting at the hospital. I just had to smile.

I haven’t been able to go to homeless council recently, and I’ve missed it. Between last weeked in Plant City, and the weekend before home for Cynthia’s wedding, I’ve not had time to make it over, and I regret that I will be out of town for the next few Fridays as well.

Last time I was there, I met a man who called himself “Hippie”–and how wonderfully the name suited him. He called me sister, and I loved it. I struck up a conversation with him about Michigan (he’d once operated a boat up there, and I’d traveled extensively around the great lakes and in the U.P.). During our conversation, we were interrupted by another man, and Hippie reluctantly excused himself from our conversation to speak to him. When he turned back to me, I was about to remark on Michigan again and he stopped me, looked me straight in the eye and said to me: “Sister, there is not a better way to show someone that you really care than through conversation and listening to what the other has to say. Thank you.” With that, he walked away, and left me with the biggest grin on my face, and the most wonderful of feelings inside. It was such an encouragement to me.

Jordan from FCA had brought his guitar that week to homeless council, and had been playing some worship songs. As if magnetically, I was drawn to the music, and was standing nearby when “Dread” approached me, asking if I would sing. I was very reluctant, but sang a few songs-more comfortable when others around would join in. I cannot wait to get back…

God has answered a huge prayer recently–Delane and I have found a third roomate! She seems like an amazing girl (from the same general hometown, and we have some mutual friends!) and I can’t wait to live with the two!

Missing friends back home–got to see Juli briefly when I was back for Cynthia’s wedding, as well as other family friends there. It was a little wierd being home since I’d not been in Winter Park since December. I hope this coming week will afford more time to visit.

I still have to pack. And write an essay.

Apparently, my brother has been missing me lately.

I cannot wait to see him. I really just want to be able to bring him back with me up here to school. He’s the coolest little brother, I’m convinced. He calls me some mornings as he’s getting ready for school, just to make sure that I woke up on time for class. When I go home to visit, he insists on showing me the most hillarious videos, or newest tricks on his bike, or videogames, and other times he’ll sit by me, looking at pictures and asking me to make him a new mix CD. I think he’s a bigger fan of my music collection than I am.

Hannah is amazing–still excelling in sports and school. At the high school FCA Weekend of Champions retreat, she was led by my friend Danielle. I wanted to beam when everyone came back from that weekend with nothing but praise for her excellent sportsmanship and outright adorableness.

Leah is still as busy as ever… She’s doing so well organizing FCA back at Winter Park High, and staying so active in other areas with the youth and volleyball and juggling 3 babysitting jobs each week. She’s too poular for her own good, that girl. But I know she makes a world of difference to everyone she knows. I’m glad that both Leah and Hannah will be with me in North Carolina!

I manage to talk to mom and dad just about every other day or so. Man I miss home…

One more day…

I’m trying to learn guitar, trying to write more, wanting to read, listening to music, soaking in the beautiful wheather…

I am a mess, but trying to figure things out–and though uncertain about a great many things, certain of a great thing:

I possess everything.

2 Corinthians6:10b

I just wish right now that I could tie up all my loose ends.

The trouble is that I want perfection–I’m endlessly searching for the right thing to say; searching for the ability to just look at someone and say “Yes–Exactly.”

I suppose the reaon I haven’t, and probably won’t ever be able to find that is simple: It’s the same reason that I don’t have all the answers to God and the universe and what exactly everyone had for dinner tonight–I guess that would take all the fun out of life then–it would take away all the mystery-all the worship and wonder.

I don’t think I want to take all the beauty of the rainbow and boil it down to a science. I don’t want to fit God into a formula, and wouldn’t want to fit myself inside one. But oh, how it would make life a lot less complicated if I could.

If words were enough, then emotions wouldn’t get the best of us.

And even then…would we be able to find the words?