here it goes again

once more, i have found myself at the proverbial fresh start/clean slate…

it is the begining of a new semester, and i have found myself full of great expectaxions…and new anxieties.

so far, the weeks leading up to the start of classes (Thursday for everyone, Friday for me) has been wonderful.  My roomates are amazing, our apartment more like home, and the routine of my job has come back to me easily.  as a matter-of-fact, i sit here right now at work, finding that I was so efficient with my time, i’ve nearly had an hour to myself to sit and contemplate life.

i’m looking forward to classes, though not to the extensive work load and extrenous stress brought about by fighting for certain grades and a decent gpa…  my Stats class is at the forefront of my worries.  (Anyone out there good at explaining math?!)

Adding to my fears of the upcoming semester is the daunting task of leading a Bible study with FCA.  (which i am soo excited about, and looking forward to with great anticipation, but nervous as to my ability and the responsibility that such a task requires….  but, with prayer and study, I hope to step up to the challenge, and desire that it would result in above all, growth for myself.)

I’m missing home a bit–not really homesick, just melancholy realizing that life is still going on there without me…  Friends are leaving for school (Noah to N.D. and Erin and david to Calvin, plus other friends to Covenant.  And if those boys at UCF decide to transfer, it had better be to Florida…because I don’t think i could stand having so many dear friends so far away…)  And there are also those things for which we so often want to be there for…to find comfort in and give comfort to.  At home people are going about their daily lives, and i can’t help but want to be a part of them.  (So here’s to 4 day weekends and the hopes that i will see them all soon!)

FCA, RUF and CRU are all starting back up…last night i enjoyed a pretty cool game of ultimate, and tonight is dinner with an awesome group of friends. 

As soon as I can, I want to get back to more of my writing…  I still have the goal of publishing a book within a year after i graduate college.  I figure that if only 1 out of every 5 pieces i write is at least decent, that i have a long way to go before i have an actual book.

so here’s to a good start to a new semester!  new adventures…  new stories…  new horizons.

a different kind of pain

I’m sitting at my computer. In my new room. ‘Meet Joe Black’ is on in the background…i’ve not seen it. But right now i’m listening to music.

I’m listening to my “sad songs” in hopes that maybe they’ll conjure up some of the emotion that i’ve got welling inside me.

why

why…

it’s been a good couple of days. and a horible couple of days.

torn apart. two worlds.

thinking that perhaps poetic abstraction is merited here. i want to be like your silouhetted words; beautiful. but if i told you i envied the part of you that’s visible, you’d laugh and tell me there’s so much more to be seen. i wonder if you know it’s you i speak of?

it can’t be that simple. not as simple as me saying “I don’t understand, but I’d like to…” Do you know how much I care to know that what I can’t say I really want to..?

and then this. why?

i should have known. wasn’t it obvious? hindsight. i hate it. leaves a bitter taste of guilt on my eyes. perhaps if i had seen then i could have done something.

but then isn’t that always me. wanting to be the hero, the confidant. the bandaid for all the hurting.

then again i’m not quite strong enough to keep the wound together.

when will it end!?

i’m jumping at each sound of the phone. should have known.

thoughts, prayers. but still i am unsatisfied.

i want to be the saviour…

i want my words to fix things.

instantly.

and i fear i could be the cause. so i stand back.

i know so much, but i don’t know the half of it.

you want to be someone else. why? wrestling with your mind. stop fighting yourself.

why when things break so fast does it take so long for them to heal?

and how i wish i could jsut cry right now. how it would make it feel better–perhaps not better–but right. it would be appropriate. instead i can only think. stop thinking.

i keep telling myself that.

things play out as they are intended, but i want to play things perfectly.

to everyone else i am perhaps creative, imaginative…a Picasso of words even.

but i wonder if you read this, if you knew i was speaking of you.

i think not.

i’m sorry. to you both, i am sorry.

i feel a failure

and this will simply end up as a story.

but oh, perhaps i am singing my own red flag.  wanting the rescue team to find me too.  not like you.  but wanting to be rescued.  from all this.  from feeling insecure.  wanting to save you–too inadequate to save myself either.

this week…

A short summary of this past week:

Game night with the family. Movies with the Scholzes-Amy was back from Iowa, it was good to see her.

Ran a bunch of errands with Kathleen and Leah for their trip. Picnic lunch in the park in the rain. Fun times at thriftco & Walmart. Oh yes.

Kristen and Brian stopped by for a visit. Celebrated Kathy’s birthday early with the girls (plus Austin). Mocked his driving skills, were very impressed with his parking skills (he managed to avoid hitting the wall and air conditioning unit with less than a half inch to spare…)

Hung out at the Robbs’ house the night before the Mexico team left. Managed to surprize Drew with firecrackers when he walked in the door… Fun game of Yatzee, Apples to Apples and Catchphrase. I still have yet to beat David at poker.

Leah and the missions team left for Mexico Saturday morning. I am missing her, though enjoying not having to worry about sharing a room with her for the next 10 days. Apparently she’s sprained her finger. Ouch…

<>Babysat. Caught lizards and pretended to be an aligator. Enjoyed drawing with crayons and watched my artistry be deeply admired.

<>Rode bikes to the library with Dad. (Bought some awesome books there at the used book store–A Picture of Dorian Gray, A Heart of Darkness, The Count of Monte Cristo, and a 1900s copy of Shakespeare’s Much Ado About Nothing). No youthgroup so a group of us went to Perkins to bother Scot who was working, and back to Liz’s house to play Uno and some other games for the evening.

<>Joined Juli running some errands around Park Avenue.

Met Kevin Bishop at Starbucks for a visit. Hadn’t seen him in a whil, so it was geat to have a chance to hang out. Played ultimate that evening.

This morning I slept till who knows when (which means roughly 11am) and spent the whole day with Jen and the two Hannahs cutting out scraps and making notebooks. Family dinner at the church tonight. Charity was back from Nebraska, plan to meet up with her for coffee tomorrow sometime.

I realize that I have less than two weeks before I head back to Gainesville.

I’ll admit that while I am ecstatic to be going back, I shall miss home (really more missing the people that make it home-family and friends) an awful lot. I live in two distinct worlds: Life at home and life in Gainesville. Sometimes there’s a third life that I create for myself… that’s the perfect blending of these two worlds into one; they mesh together in a beautiful image of my ideal world–where nothing is lost, no friends move away, and new things are accumulated and added to the old.

In my perfect world, I would never loose anything–anyone. It’s not really the things, not really the change–it’s the “loss” of friends, the goodbyes in life that torment me so much.

I can understand that it’s a part of life, completely natural… But I think the reason it bothers me so much is that when people move away, or I simply loose touch with them, I never know if/when I will see them again. And it is this fact that reaches into the deepest parts of me and frightens me most; because I am left wondering if these friends really know how much I care for them.

I’m worried that once people loose touch with me, they may never know how much I cared for them. Will people miss me, or will I be as forgotten as the dust on old picture frames?

If in all my life, all the people I’ve ever met could know one thing about me, I would have them know this: That I loved them, and wanted them to know how much God loves them.

It may seem like a simple enough statement, (and easy to tell anyone) but it is not something that can so easily be spoken. Instead it floats between words, amogst the millions of unspoken deeds and thoughts for them.

Sigh.

I am leaving for school again… And scarier than my fall schedule, the loads of homework and apartment rent is this: that I will leave home with someone left not knowing how much I love them, and want God’s love for them.