I’ve sat here for the past few minutes trying to think of how to start, or how to sum up indescribable feelings into one killer sentence.
Not going to happen.
So I guess it’s best to start at the beginning…
It’s been a month since I’ve really had a chance to “blog”…and when I say blog here I mean it’s been a while since I’ve been able to (essentially) vomit all of my thoughts onto the world wide web as a way of processing the countless thoughts that have been keeping me up nights.
Seriously, my sleeping habits are waaayy out of whack right now… I lay awake at night thinking about too much and haven’t had a chance to get it out of me. (Thank you to those of you who have so patiently listened to my rambling this past month)
To Write Love On Her Arms
It actually happened! To Write Love On Her Arms came to UF! I don’t know whether to believe it or think that my dreams are frequently becoming more realistic.
And here is where my vocabulary will become limited and feeling will be inadequatly described. In all honesty, the only way you will only be able to perhaps begin to comprehend my thoughts and feelings on this, is if you see how horribly giddy I am when you ask me about it. Passion is perhaps the closest descriptor of the sheer emotion running through my veins. My adrenaline.
Aaron sumed it up so perfectly when he said (upon seeing me the day before) that I was holding back, and would probably burst if I wasn’t.
The week leading up to the event was one of the most amazing weeks of my life.
I went home briefly for Thanksgiving, dropped stuff of for the event with Aaron, picked up some TWLOHA banners and enjoyed a lovely holiday with my family.
In light of this semester, I truly am not thankful enough, and have been trying to, in all I do, reflect a more humble following of the concept of living “solei deo gloria”… Grace is sufficient, however, for all of my shortcomings.
I was back in Gainesville the Friday after Thanksgiving to attend the UF vs. FSU basketball game, and then the UF vs. FSU football game-oh sweet victory!!!
The rest of that weekend is a blur…
Monday evening I was joined by some of the most amazing graffitti artists in Gainseville (Dana, Britt, Michael, Carolyn, Ben, Dav, Jenn, Eli, James, and Chris) who helped me paint the 34th street wall and the Norman tunnel. Not only did they paint amazingly well, but they stayed out there with me until 3am! (On a school night too!) I was truly blown away by them all… I don’t think they knew how much that meant to me and how I was completely floored by their generosity in sharing their time, and how their enthusiasm was contagious and uplifting!!! After grabbing a quick bite to eat at IHOP and finishing up at Norman, we stood, paint-covered hands clasped, in the parking garage praying for the event… And the most accurate description of that moment would probably be this: 
Here are some pictures from painting:
Tuesday an article I interviewed for appeared in The Independent Florida Alligator (UF student-run newspaper)! I was so excited! (You can view the full article here )
Later that evening, the video I made for the event was played at the BCM meeting, and I was also able to announce the event at RUF!
(If you’d like, you can check out the video here on Youtube )
I had a paper and a test the next morning, so for the first time all semester I had to bail on post-RUF ultimate frisbee. I managed to write the paper, but fell asleep studying, so needless to say, I didn’t get much of that done…
Wednesday morning was a mix of joyful expectation and relentless dread (the dread being for my 9:30 exam, for which I was running late!) Aaron phoned as I was getting ready to leave, sharing with me his nervousness for speaking at FCA that evening, and how he had probably 4 hours worth of sermon notes for a 40 minute lesson. He asked me for prayer and said he’d be praying for me as well. As I was walking out of my building and down the street, I realized that there was no way I could make it to the exam on time (it was half way across campus!) I began praying that the Lord would send me a ride or somehow make me walk faster. I approached the corner of 8th and University, awaiting the crosswalk signal, and in the middle of my flustered prayer, I heard someone call out my name. There, stopped at the light, was Tana in her car with Lauren. She shouted from her car window at me and asked if I needed a ride. Barely able to contain my tears of relief and gratitude, I walked over and hopped in her car just before the light changed. I could hardly believe how God had answered my prayer that morning (and so fast too!). I told Tana and Lauren how they were an immediate answer to prayer. And instead of being late, I was 20 minutes early, and had a chance to think and regain some composure before taking my test (for which–though not wonderful–I made a C)!!
I had taken off of work Wednesday and Thursday in preparation for immersing myself in TWLOHA activities those days. After classes, I had a chance to get everything ready for that evening. Aaron, Lily, Michelle and Drew all drove up from Orlando to be at FCA, where Aaron was speaking on brokenness, and the story of Jacob.
We went to dinner with Stephanie and Sami from FCA before the meeting, and then headed over to FCA around 8:10.
Much of what Aaron spoke on I had heard in some form from his old lessons to our youthgroup back home, but there was one thing in particular that stuck with me.
Aaron spoke on the story of Jacob, and how after fleeing from a war with his father-in-law Laban, Jacob had no choice but to return to his home and face his brother Esau (which was almost certain to incur death). At first, Jacob (very frightened) divides up his troops and family into groups, and places them in front of himself, remaining in the rear, staying as far away from harm’s way for as long as possible. Jacob was a coward-he would rather hide behind his friends and family than face his fears-even when God had told him that He was with him, and Jacob had nothing to worry about. And finally (and this is what gets me) when Jacob has sent everything before him, and he sits at a river’s edge alone, along comes someone who wrestles with Jacob all night until morning. Unwilling to give up the fight, Jacob struggles until the other blesses him. But as He blesses him (the “He” being God), He touches Jacob’s hip, causing him to writhe in pain and have a limp. And here is why this is so important: Jacob’s legs were the only thing he had left–all Jacob had left was his ability to run–to run away from potential death, to run from his fears. God stripped him of all that remained so that Jacob was forced to depend upon God, and to turn over his brokenness to Him, instead of clinging to it as though it wa all he had left… It was not all he had left.
I was forced to look at perhaps the broken shambles in my life and wonder if perhaps I was clinging to them as my last resort–my back-up plan in case all else failed. How wrong I have been! These “Plan B”s should be the first things to go! If I am not first seeking Christ to lean upon in times of trouble, pain and hopelessness (or even in times of joy) then I have already lost the battle!
Kevin Burrell, my youth pastor back home, said once in a sermon “What man will not fight when he is assured of victory?”
How true! If I am in Christ and I am trusting in Him for my salvation, then why will I not trust Him also for all the small things in between, and run to Him in my time of need first!?
It was one of the best sermons I’ve been priveledged to hear Aaron deliver. Afterwards, Aaron, Michelle, Lily, Drew and I went out to Coldstone for icecream, and sat outside visiting for a while. We shared a few laughs before calling it a night. Aaron and Michelle dropped us back at my place (they were staying with an old Pastor) and Lily and I walked Drew over to the Courtyards. Jamie, Cody, Tim and Alex had graciously provided their apartment’s futon for Drew to use Wednesday and Thursday evening.
Lily and I tried to stay up and watch a movie, but we both fell asleep relatively early.
Thursday morning we woke up and hung out for the better part of breakfast and lunch around campus. Kyle had some TWLOHA t-shirts shipped to me, so us 3 picked the smaller (more easily carried) box down to the Reitz Union to Christine. I showed them around the campus a little, and then we hung out at the CSC and read. Around 1pm we went back to my place and watched Fight Club, and then Aaron and Michelle met up with us to grab a bite to eat at Burrito Brothers before we headed over to set things up for the event.
Once we got there, we began unpacking the t-shirts (which were actually just the black LOVE zip hoodies–UPS complications caused us to be short a bunch of t-shirts for the actual event, but they are now sitting in my apartment, for sale until I return the remainder to the TWLOHA crew when I go home to Orlando for break).
I said hi to Josh Gilman and Alan Busch who had signed up to work the event, and then ran upstairs to print a list of Suicide Help resources for the Gainesville area. Complications with our computer lab left me frustrated, but James was up there and volunteered to make the copies for me. As I was finishing up there, Kevin and Nathan had arrived from Orlando and greeted me outside with my sister Leah (who they had claimed less than an hour before was unable to make it… haha). We went downstairs and at this time the band The Acclaim had arrived (with my psuedo-cousin Michael) and the TWLOHA crew was just walking through the doors. Aaron introduced me to the group and we started getting to work finishing the set up. I was running around getting water and putting up banners and giving Renee directions. I had this feeling of “is this really happening?”, and didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. I was in a state of disbelief.
As I was running in and out of the ballroom, the lobby just outside the doors began to fill with familiar faces and not-so familiar ones, all wearing To Write Love On Her Arms t-shirts. I managed to say hi to a bunch of friends, all of whom offered me help and encouragement…
When the doors opened, people flooded the room, and The Acclaim began to perform. Despite having known Michael my whole life, and having witnessed his different musical endeavors, this was the first time I had ever really gotten to see him perform. They played exceptionally well!
Josh Moore was the acoustic musician Jamie had flown in from NC for the event. His music was astounding. There were more than a couple moments where I felt my eyes almost well with tears. It was great getting to meet him and visit for a little while. (You should check him out on Myspace!)
When Jamie got up to speak I was captivated. I only hope that my life can reflect as much poetic wisdom and passion. Aaron and Renee also got up and spoke about their involvement with TWLOHA. Renee’s account was so humble and astounding. She said her story was only one, and no different from so many others, but that her pain was all worth it to know that perhaps it could make a difference to at least one person.
A Q & A session followed, with Jamie, Renee, Aaron and his wife Michelle responding to what the audience had to say. Some of the questions were intense, and there were a couple times when those standing at the mic cried as they shared about how pain had a presence in their lives, or how hope had given them a reason to press on, against all odds.
There was one girl in particular, who asking her question reminded me so much of myself… She shared how although in her own life she had never struggled with suicide or depression, her friend had, yet because she couldn’t relate to these particular battles, she felt so inadequate and helpless to assist her friends. She began crying at the mic, and Jamie told her that she could relate–she could relate because just like her friend who felt helpless struggling with depression and suicide, she too felt helpless-helpless because she couldn’t do more. He said that feeling that was enough.
I felt as if he was speaking to me; as if I had been the one at the mic, wondering why, crying…
There have been so many times in my life when I’ve wanted to help, but felt inadequate.
I guess it’s one of the real reasons behind why I wanted to get TWLOHA to UF. I wanted to do something…Because I felt that so many times I was not enough to bring hope to those around me who I so desperately love, and whose hurt I want to see subside.
To Write Love On Her Arms has been my “banner” so to speak-It has been my way to “help”. And perhaps it is a bit selfish of me to “make something of my life” or to want so badly to make a difference or make my life worthwile… But there is something in me that has brought an indescribable amount of hope and joy to my life-Jesus Christ-and i feel that trying to make a difference in the world-even if only to one person-is one way in which I can best serve Him.
After the event, so many people came up to me thanking me for helping with TWLOHA or for my passion. I’ll admit those words were definately loved, but I know that I am just a medium through which Christ has so graciously decided to manifest Himself. I know that I did not do it alone. And the help and support of so many amazing friends was such a wonderful blessing!!
In the following week I received many messages of encouragement that made me confident that the To Write Love On Her Arms event had indeed in some way impacted this campus… Next year, I may even have the opportunity to serve as part of the Reitz Union Board and hopefully put together more events like TWLOHA @ UF! The thought of working with non-profits or networking with so many amazing organizations and people makes me giddy.
After everything was packed up, we loaded up in the cars and the TWLOHA crew, along with some Orlando friends went over to Perkins at 2am for a bite to eat. I could not believe that it was over. I didn’t know what to do with myself. There I was, sitting across from Aaron and Jamie, talking to Josh Moore and Michelle and Nathan and Kevin and Leah…
I smiled.
Here’s some pictures from our evening:
My Friday morning started early-8:30am for my final Statistics lab, and then I went back to say goodbye to Aaron, Michelle, Lily and Drew before they headed back to Orlando. I finished up with classes and then had some down time before going to swing dancing with Michael, Kate, Britt and some other RUF friends. After swing we went to midnight breakfast and then ended up hanging out all night (and the better part of Saturday morning) at the guy’s place.
Saturday I rested and later in the evening attended Kate’s dance performance. Sunday was church and then resting a bit more before the start of my final week of classes.
Last night was the FCA semi-formal and tonight is swing again…
All that remains of TWLOHA at UF is a couple huge boxes of t-shirts that arrived late. Delane helped carry the heavy things over 6 blocks from our leasing office… But now they sit in my room. I’ve managed to sell a few, and will return whatever remains to the TWLOHA crew when I head home. I’m not sure if I’ll want to part with the last reminder of one of the greatest evenings of my college career…
It is now Friday again, classes are over and I’ve managed to find one last way to put off studying for my statistics exam on Saturday afternoon…
Perhaps this has caught you up some with what I’ve been up to. Lately I can’t keep up with myself. But hopefully I can sleep a little better tonight now that I’ve been able to get some of my brain’s storage space cleared out.
Here’s to dreams looking more like realities.
Love, Sarah
