For Leah, or–by any other name ne’er as sweet

For Leah, or—by any other name ne’er as sweet
By Sarah Madsen

Though you could stand atop the world
you’d rather hold it in your hands.
A heart that warms others like the sunshine;
clouds dare not loose their rains
upon your sunflower hat,
shading the smile in your eyes.
Today is yours—
just like the stars—
this was written for you.

apocalypse

today feels like the end of the world.
for me at least. and by comparison to everyone else’s worst-day-of-my-life stories, it’s probably a pile of complete absurdity.
today started out well (is it just me, or do a lot of bad days seem to start out wonderfully?)–i woke up at 8am, walked around Norman Hall looking for houses for rent with Kate, and then was able to make it to work on time (which sometimes, can be quite a feat…)

I was scheduled to train 2 people at 10:45am to read the newspapers on air at the Reading Service. Around 11:10, when they still weren’t there, I called them, and much to my horror, found that the wrong times had been given for intereviews–they were coming in at 11:45, when I was also slated to train 2 additional volunteers for an entirely different program. I surmised that I could still accomplish the training, so told them all to come in. My co-worker arrived and began working on other assignments we had. The 4th volunteer was still not present, and when I called, they claimed they were supposed to arrive at 3pm! Woah… chaos soon ensues…
My boss arrives, has been under the wheather, and so isn’t so happy with the un-organized-edness (yes, I am making that a word) of the morning. Things keep getting jumbled around, and by the end of the training i had apologized about 15 times and the volunteers could visibly see my unease.
My boss is awesome, very gracious and always wants to look out for my well-being, so she sat me down and pointed out some of the not-so-perfect work-weeks i’ve been having, and asks if I’m under a lot of stress and if i can manage 12 credits and a job…
As not-so-terrbile as this sounds, it was pretty much like an earthquake with a magnitute far beyond anything on the Ricter scale for me… A category 5 hurricane; the catalyst, climax and overall most defining moment of my afternoon.
I guess with all the stress I’ve been going through–need good grades to keep gpa, need gpa to keep scholarship, need scholarship to afford school, and housing and over-involvement and….i could go on—the point is, I’ve not been functioning at maximum capacity–i need some major “tweeking”.
And I say major tweaking (which sounds like an oxy-moron) because i think there are lots of little things that need altering in big ways…
Last night served as the epiphany (more like one in a series) of my recognizing how much i need change in my life. I attended an RUF Bible Study, where the main lesson was about how our heart reflects our actions and how the motives and the desires in our life ultimately determine the outcome in which we live our lives.
This revelation is far more spiritual-oriented than needing to do better at work/school/stop worrying/stressing…
So far the way I’ve been living is penciling God into appointment slots when I need to talk. I’m treating it like a therapy that I go to only when I feel that it’s a completely last resort. And honestly, therapy doesn’t seem like it would be most effective at the end of things.
Relationships–communication–can not be repaired at the end when every other method has been tried unsuccessfully. I am waiting to FEEL that i need God.
and this is the catch–I ALWAYS NEED GOD.
So even though i may not be tangibly stressed, and feel that I have control (one of man’s greatest illusions is control!) I do not.
I think I’ve been relying on my feeling a lot more lately, and it’s not serving me too well.

I need to stop making appointments with God.
Instead I should act as though He intended-in recognition of His continual presence and power in my life.
I don’t think I’ve been ready to hand over the wheel yet.
Funny, because I don’t drive. (And I’m not just talking about literally…but metaphorically here…)

I had an awesome conversation the other night about the arts and my desires to be everything amazing and live a thousand lives so that I can achieve each dream…
There is this belief that I’ve held that tells me “I can do anything” and to “knock and the door will be open” or to just “ask, and it will be given to you…” But reality hits me and as idealistic as it may be to hold that belief, truthfully I’m skeptic. So instead I live my life in fear that all I want and desire will not be mine, and that all the dreams I’ve had will turn to dust and instead I will die having lived nothing but a normal life (normal seems ok in most cases, not here)–office job, 2 week vacations, soccer mom, birthdays, death, burial and then become forgotten.

As a Christian, I find that I am missing something–I accept normal as ok, and my doubting as nothing big, and settle for less. I have tricked myself into believing that these dreams and desires are futile here on earth, and that heaven is the only place they will one day manifest themselves.

Not entirely true.

Here’s a math metaphor: Heaven is the absolute value. So where as you can either have two different values say for “x” outside of the absolute value symbols (positive and negative) heaven places those brackets around the “x” and we find it in it’s perfect state… only positive.

In other words, there are two possible values (achieving our dreams (+), and not achieving our dreams (-) ) that we can have here on eath… where as in heaven the value is only positve, we are given options here on earth–to achieve or not achieve our desires.

Enough with the math…layman’s terms:

God says that if we ask it will be given to us.
Start asking.
And here’s where things get complicated–do we really believe that? Do I really believe that God will give me all that I desire? Perhaps not…but maybe that’s because I don’t always know what’s best for me, or because my reasons for wanting it are selfish and not in according to what God has planned for my life or anyone else’s.

Jabez got this part right.
He wasn’t afraid to ask. He knew God promised it. And he trusted God to deliever.

And God did.

and instead of really looking at that story, I immerse myself in the study guides and commentaries and “The Prayer of Jabez” books….(not that i think they’re bad, but perhaps we’ve been reading them wrong….)

We pray for God to bring healing to the sick, and we say that we know He will do this….but then what if we turned out to be wrong….what if science tells us there’s only a 1% chance of success? Fear takes over, and instead of praying without ceasing, I analyze and scrutinize if i’m not just wasting my time praying instead of “getting out there and making my own way”

I’ve got a “God helps those who help themselves” mentality (a sentiment which I completely HATE. Yes, I’m sure God is against laziness…but i know too much of my own life to know that even when I am being the biggest bum God has still shown me grace and pulled through for me!)

I’ve limited myself by thinking that the only way i can reach for the stars is with my own resources—and while I’m standing on my child-sized step stool, I’ve missed the ladder that Christ is holding at the base, waiting to steady it as I climb up.

So….here’s to climbing the ladder. Hopefully I’ll get rid of my superstitious ways of thinking and dare to dream instead. Perhaps I will be pleasantly surprized.

Here’s to beginnings…and rising from the ashes.

I think my heart rate is finally slowing down to a normal pace, and I’m sitting at the CSC with Robert (who graciously, along with Dana and Britt) allowed me to vent my armageddon afternoon to them.

It’s cold outside, and I’m debating if i should actually get a spiced chai latte and sit with my book of poetry and read for class.

TGIF.
Some Robert Frost sounds good right about now…

Dwarfs

Dwarfs
By Sarah Madsen

“Their foot shall slide in due time”
But we stand on the shoulders of giants
and are not shaken.

Nanos gigantium humeris insidentes

Meteor Showers

Meteor Showers
By Sarah Madsen

To live a thousand evenings
in empty parks;
it is a conversation
worth having
about Nothing.
In our small circle we
repeat names…
The way you play
with your lighter
reminds me of an
addict’s wild habit.
Try to keep warm.
Say something eloquent,
but the time passed—
much like the year—
and these are the nights
that define me.
THIS is the movie that inspires;
or perhaps the song
on the CD we’ve
heard already
twice—play it again
it speaks of a great deal more.
And doors on tables,
before tables on doors
we place our cups of coffee.
I forgot to take a picture,
instead I took a poem;
keys, stars, scarves—
we are young.
Tonight one word is all I need:
Tomorrow.