Have you ever wished for disaster, so that you might find meaning?
For instance–have you ever wanted something horrible to happen (not too tragic, mind you) so that you has a chance to be the hero, to overcome and be championed by others around you…?
Maybe that’s just me.
As of late, I have been wallowing in feelings of emptiness. Incompleteness. A lack of meaning.
The desire to be loved (in essence tangibly–truths such as “God loves you” and that I am valued by family and friends are no less real, but perhaps just less tangibly noticed…).
Ironically, many of my interactions this past week have specifically addressed this emotion…
An RUF study group last week with Steve Lammers was discussing what we identify ourselves with…where we place significance in our lives. Not that I necessarily deem myself innocent of any sin in this matter, it’s not ever really been a significant struggle in my life. Titles such as “Democrat/Republican”, “Smart/dumb”, “UF Student”, “Presbyterian/Baptist/Non-denominational”, or even family ties I feel have never hindered my identification of myself as a “child of God”. Which of course is the greatest identity I could ever have.
I spoke to the group, saying that I KNOW God loves me, and I believe the Bible…yet somehow this is not enough to fill the emptiness inside.
I live within this ever-constant up and down rollercoaster of a life and I’m simply trying to find a balance… I fill voids with other things, cogniscant that they will not satisfy me, knowing only that God can, but still atttempting to plug the hole in my heart with other things–activities, friends, accomplishments, distractions…noise. I’m tired of the silence.
I asked the group the following: I have acknowledged that God loves me, that His love is all that will satisfy me…but how do I fill the emptiness? Simple belief doesn’t seem to be enough… How do I get my faith in Christ to fill the emptiness I feel now???
Steve’s reply was this…that we can’t fill that emptiness. Only God can. (saying that filling the emptiness is not an action you can take. Rather it is something that will not happen here in an imperfect world, and we will only feel this completeness in heaven.
This answer is something I regard as truth, yet still not satisfying.
It’s like having the perfect plan to achieve world peice, and not being able to act upon it because a key element of your plan is unavailable…
I HAVE THE ANSWER… BUT I STILL CAN’T STOP FEELING LIKE I DON’T HAVE IT.
That’s what I feel.
As this semester is coming to a close, I realize how blessed I have been in my friendship with Delane, and how so often it has been a comfort to talk with her and realize we go through many of the same struggles and feelings.
My life is richly blessed with many many good friends.
I have no reason to not feel happy and conent, and yet I can’t quite be happy.
It’s funny.
And something that perhaps I will expound upon later, but I’m sitting at the CSC with Leslie now, and she’s showing me how to fold oragomi notes.
